Today It Hurts

There are some things in life you just don’t think about. You don’t contemplate what it will be like if x,y, and z happen. Is it naive? Probably. Definitely. But that is where I find myself now. Wishing I was still in the land of the naive.

I watched my parents lose their grandparents (at 14, so I fully comprehended what was happening), I’ve watched my husband lose his grandmother, my friends have lost grandparents, and yet I refused to acknowledge that one day I would be the one in the pew. So here I am, 29 years old, with both sets of grandparents. These people came to everything. They were at soccer games, dance recitals, basketball games that I cheered at, graduations, wedding showers, weddings, births of great grandchildren, birthdays, Christmas, etc. I’ve never had to do life without them. I can’t tell you how many times Papa told Joe that he wasn’t afraid to go back to prison if he ever hurt me (this man has never been to prison). He always tells me he is proud of me. He loves my daughter. He loves her so much that even though he hasn’t been able to speak in nearly a year he knows exactly who she is and she knows exactly who he is. Last weekend he was not even really awake and yet when Becca said Papa! he smiled.

Loss is hard. And as the days pass, then the weeks, and eventually the years, it will get easier. The absence won’t be so sharp and the tears will come less. But today I am losing a grandparent. And today it hurts.

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“When I get where I’m going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I’m gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I’m gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it’s like
To ride a drop of rain

I’m gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he’ll match me step for step
And I’ll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I’ll hug his neck

But when I get where I’m going
And I see my maker’s face
I’ll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace

Yeah when I get where I’m going
There’ll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I’ll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I’m going
Don’t cry for me down here”

-George Teren and Rivers Rutherford